so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
