i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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