he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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