We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
