The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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