If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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