you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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