i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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