people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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