her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
