Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
