This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
