i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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