Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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