why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
