Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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