Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
