You smell like a Billy Joel song
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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