i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We left an ass print on the piano.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
