I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
