just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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