we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
