Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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