apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
