Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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