I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
