so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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