WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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