my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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