the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
