i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
