His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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