Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
