when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
