yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
