Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
