So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
