we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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