So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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