i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The Olympian is in my bed
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
