Cold hands, warm shart.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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