Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
