Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
