she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
