All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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