My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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