And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
