Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't deserve a penis
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
