i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
