walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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