I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
