Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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